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  Calvin October 20, 2018 at 12:58pm

  Also, where does intensity go into all this? Sincerity? It's been made clear that our wants are changing constantly, at least the ones we aren't totally sure of. But the wants that we are sure of, surely they require deep intensity and sincerity and unwavering focus? Otherwise are these wants not just whims? How much do we allow our whims to dominate us? How much does it hold us back from what we truly, enduringly desire? It's also been made clear we can only change the contents of our own consciousness but I know I can ask you, I know I can be an example that change is possible, that there's a way to be, without breaking yourself
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  Mary Betts October 22, 2018 at 1:19pm

  This is a good idea...

  Creating space for magick is always playful and fun. I have always loved a conspiracy of love. 

  How about a project where by we each pick a thing to do that's selfless or kind. One of the things baout that though is I don't know if it's a good idea to do it and then tell on yourself about it. 

  Calvin you are kinda doing a great favor to me by participating here. I really want to think more about it. Cause it's a great question. 

  One thing I do know is - if you can imagine it- it can only get better better and better!
• 

  Calvin October 22, 2018 at 5:03pm

  Keep it moving on Better Better and Better Road
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  Mary Betts October 23, 2018 at 11:28am

  What do I want from you or how could you help me? By being an example to me. A mirror. A permission.

  I want to see your joy bloom. Your infinite potential gain momentum. Story time. Motivate us to dream more colorfully and joyfully than ever. 

  Would you please, for me, for us, express two experiences in sensual description ( meaning using all your senses) a memory or a fantasy memory you have or would have liked to have happen to you. this is a PAST memory but it's still happening now. Say I am now moving into a past visual. Use these questions to construct the scene. 

  Where are you? Who are you with? What do you see? What do you smell? What do you taste? What do you hear? STILL speak in the present tense and tell us what's going on.

  One caveat... avoid anything that excites the sympathetic nervous system- adrenaline pumping things like cliff diving or skydiving... we are sticking to chill and only mildly active activities at this time, a lazy drive is fine and bike cruise but try to avoid adrenaline. 

  Express it all in the present tense as though you are giving us the vision and taking us along on the ride moment by moment. Make it immersive for you. Dive into that soup. Taste it. Savor it.

  Imagine it and say it aloud and then share it here for us to read aloud and experience so we can reap the benefit of the mirror neurons.

  You will want to induce bliss and good feelings and relaxed feelings so make it rich and really TASTE the rainbow of this experience.  It can be as simple as a wonderful day playing outside or a walk or a fantastic meal. Or it could be an all out tour of an epic vacation. EMBELLISH it if you want to. It's ok to add elements like " oh there's a unicorn or a dragon! in fact the inner child who is benefitting from this joyful relaxing experience would love it..." it's all about the feelings it produces not the truth of the events. Stay in that space for 5 minutes. 

  That experience/feeling  is a color. What color pops in Bring it down your crown, down the front of your body and around your pelvis, up to your sacrum and to the top of your head while touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Do that circulation 3 times. 

  NOW. Part 2- SAME thing. This time with a future dream fantasy. What you would like to bring into your life? The scene. The feelings. Give it time to express in your consicusness. How amazing it all feels. The happenings. Where are you? Who are you with? What do you see? What do you smell? What do you taste? What do you hear? STILL speak in the present tense and tell us what's going on. 

  Same thing with the color. bring in it, circulate it  3 times and then jump up and down clapping like a little kid who has just created their first imagination mothership grid. 

  BOOM!

  I will do one as well. 
• 

  Calvin October 24, 2018 at 11:35am

  These are actually scraps, but have a read anyways

  I'm in my grandparent's 200 sq/ft apartment, my grandmother and grandfather who adopted my mother want to go for a ride. We just ate steamed ground pork with pickles and leftover squid with celery and cilantro. I see my grandma coming out of her room after getting ready, wearing a dark top with goldish metallic accents. My grandparents want to go to a neighboring city to get groceries and fried chicken. I feel the rug on my feet, I get up, ready to go, just need toput on my jacket. My grandpa is wearing a teal jacket with weird stains on them, I wonder if it's bacteria. This whole apartment needs a deep cleaning. I should DO it instead of thinking about how it needs to be done. My laptop rests on a flimsy wooden table, the living room is made up of a greyish brown two seat sofa and a love seat, Brazilian cactus that look like tiny crabs, a leafy plant of yellowish-green like a starfruit, another type of leafy cactus, and a slender palm looking plant. There is memorabilia everywhere, family and friend pictures, two ornate wooden short tables with matching seats. There's a 1/60 scale wooden light and dark brown water buffalo sculpture with a buddha riding it, a monk with his fist outstretched, something seemingly contained within, there's an alcove with a bottle of Smirnoff vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels, black and white pictures all around them of my grandma and grandpa's past. My black flip flops and grandpa's grey tennis shoes are on the right wall next to the door. My grandpa is wearing brown pants with fur on the inside, he gave me two pairs. I go downstairs and smoke a cigarette before we leave, my grandpa says he'll warm the car up. There's an anti-theft bat on the steering wheel. I accidentally hit the already cracked windshield and made another horizontal crack on it. I hear little, sounds of construction across the street less than 100 meters away. The taste of the cigarette is bitter and unpleasant, it makes me feel tense, almost sore.

  I jump in the car, grandma sitting in the back, grandpa in the front. The tan leather seats are smooth and comfortable. The air in the car is tepid, I roll the window down a bit but don't want to make my grandparents cold. During the drive avoiding the highway, noticing an African Hair Braiding sign next to a BBQ store. I turn on the stereo and a Taiwanese CD starts playing but I change it to a dance music station. They're asking for donations to become a member, they state as a public station 70% of their operations are funded by donations. A timid guy named Alex is guest hosting. The female main host is very spunky. The songs on the radio are upbeat and make me feel like moving. Been in the habit of flexing my core every chance I get, it gets the blood pumping. I ask jokingly, "Left? Right?" annoyingly in a thick Asian accent. My grandma says she wants to go to the Asian market first. We arrive and the perfect handicap parking is there. I go inside with grandma first but notice grandpa isn't in tow. I go back out and smoke a cigarette with him behind the store, there's a forest right there and I step out into it a few feet looking at the trees and the big blue dumpster and all the cars. My grandpa comments on a nice Lexus SUV, I state my aunt used to have the same one. He says it must be a newer model. The air is still and slightly cold. My feet in flip flops are numb but stable. We walk through the automatic doors into the market, turn left into an entrance aisle full of soy sauces and noodles. I spot a big 5 pack of the hottest Korean instant noodles called Samyang Spicy Hot Chicken 2x Spicy in front of me with a cartoon white chicken breathing fire like it ate something hot with glazed over eyes and bright red packaging, I eye and pick up a pack of the Black packaging normal spicy version, the 2x spicy clocks in at 10,000 Scovilles, it is unpleasantly hot, I opt for the Red 2x Spicy package. and 100 feet to the right is the fresh produce area, I notice red onions, which I had caramelized yesterday. The sweet smoky flavor still lingers, and I wish I could eat more food with that depth of flavor. Grandma isn't where she normally is. Normally she looks for veg first, then on the back wall there's meat and fish. I know that she wanted to buy camphor and menthol balm, called Tiger Balm. She's there and says she can't find it and she can't really see. Grandpa hasn't caught up yet. She finds it and pays for it, but I walk through the aisles of this herbal section of the market, I was looking for yellow rock salt. Couldn't find it. I notice cinnamon, something else I need to make my favorite food, next time I make it I have to get each spice individually here instead of buying a prepackaged spices. My grandma also wanted to buy cooking rice wine, but it sold out. I look at an ice cream freezer with glass sliders on the top. Korean ice cream bars, cones. This is as we are getting in line to pay. The woman said the total price is 29 dollars. My grandma opens her wallet and hands her a hundred dollar bill and gets the change I look into the wallet and there are pictures of me and my cousin, I notice specifically this time the picture of my cousin is a very good one, with a genuine expression of happiness. On the outside wall as we exit the market is Asian liquor. I grab the two light grocery bags and hastily walk towards the exit. The electronic key has a button for unlock, lock and open trunk, I hold the dark grey with white text open trunk button, the biggest part of the plastic holding all the buttons is a lighter grey. The keys jingle very lightly. The handicap sign obscures the windshield a bit, my grandparents tell me the way to get to the fried chicken shop. On the way, a new noodle restaurant is having a grand opening. I say in a thick accent accent, "Try new?"
  My grandma says, "no you already ate, okay you can me and grandpa will wait." I know I have no money so I decide not to. We drive down a road of my youth with a community center on the right and apartment buildings and a creek on the left. After a block, on the right is an Applebees with red and green neon lights and an apple on the sign. There's a Safeway gas pump, a Starbucks, the fried chicken shop, and a Safeway, in that order. Green Starbucks sign, green and red fried chicken sign, and a red Safeway sign, farther down are a florist, a burger shop with a red and white sign, a Thai restaurant called Thai Chef, a salon, and more shops. We get great parking, go into the shop, they are quite busy, a clerk that had complimented me on a shirt before has accented his hair with blue, he's Latino looking, wearing a dark green uniform. I ask my grandma if she wants a pound or a half pound of gizzards. She says half pound, then pound. I say to the clerk, a pound of gizzards, he asks original, spicy or half and half? I say half and half. My grandpa finishes the order, asking for a four piece family meal. He asks which sides, my grandpa says potato salad, and my grandma finishes by ordering cole slaw. They both have moderate voices with deep overtones. The male clerk with blue hair that complimented my shirt has a young, grounded sounding voice. It comes out to 25 dollars. My grandma gives me the 5 dollar change. She says, "You can have it."
  I walk to the soda machine to get water, my grandpa comes too, my grandma immediately sits by the door, she's less comfortable out and about. I go to the bathroom and pass a movement. It's glorious. Someone knocks on the door. When I exit there's two 50ish white people waiting. I drink two more cups of water, there's a dispenser for soda water and water on secondary tabs. The chicken is ready, we're order 35. I ask for two bleu cheeses, the female clerk says it'll be 99 cents. I ask my grandpa if he has a quarter and he is quick to say yeah.
  We walk briefly to the parking spot, I take a big whiff of the fresh air, not detecting much scent, despite being near a Starbucks and fried chicken store. I ask my grandma in the thick asian accent again, "Try new?" She seems a bit annoyed and says no, you can try that any time.
  I feel a bit disappointed, and feel yearning, I feel regret. There's a slight tension in my forehead. There's a hold up at the parking lot exit, my grandpa says you're never going to get through. A nice grey Honda Accord lets us in the line. I say some people are nice! Then I ask for a roll, eat it in one big bite, then my grandma hands me another roll, and two gizzards in a napkin, I worry about crumbs, and while driving pick a small crumb off my shorts. There's also a crumb on my shirt. The chicken gizzards are crunchy, chewy, meaty, a bit gamey and satisfying. My grandpa tells me to go straight, I ask if he's sure it's not a right and he and my grandma says yes.
  The whole drive back I keep asking in a thick Asian accent, "Left?" even though I know it's not left. At one turn my grandpa says right when it's a left, I ask him if he's sure it's not a left. The last stretch my grandparents talk about a row of houses by a Christian school. They remark about all the houses being very close to each other. We drive into the subterranean concrete parking lot driving down a ramp that bounces the car when you reach the bottom. Before we leave the car, my grandpa remarks on how the gas is low. My grandma gets in a bit of a fit and says why didn't you say it earlier? I get the groceries out of the trunk, grandma gets the chicken, and we walk up some stairs to the apartment entrance, then down a open-air hall into the apartment. There's a stink bug in a spider's web and a living stink bug on the rail.
  I set the groceries on the kitchen counter and seek the fried chicken. I take paper towel from the kitchen and sit on the flimsy tan wooden table where my laptop, mouse and makeshift black paper and magazine mousepad sit. I check The Superbeings to see if anyone posted anything. I see Mary's responses to my discussions. I take a wing piece of chicken from the thick paper folded cardboard chicken box. I tear apart the meat from the bone, eating in a different way than I usually do. After eating some of the white meat, I take a gizzard and the plastic cups of house-made bleu cheese sauce and dip it. The salty creaminess of the sauce with the meatiness and gaminess of the gizzard is a perfect combination along with the crunch of the breading. I separate the flat and the drumstick part of the wing and suck the meat off of them. I take the remaining 100 grams of potato salad and eat it in two bites, then eat the 100 plus grams of cole slaw in a few swooping bites, lips touching the rim of the paper container. I eat more gizzards, with and without sauce, and eat another piece of chicken. The second piece of chicken had more white meat, more bones. I used my fingers to remove the bone, differing from how I usually eat it, usually biting straight into the meat and just pulling whatever bone was in there out. The experience is more pleasant this way.
  After we finish eating I notice my grandma is a bit peeved at my grandpa for bringing up the gas situation. I'm full, sitting at my computer, wanting to go for a walk. I contemplate the possibility of picking up a prerolled cannabis cigarette at a store with the name Grass with the 5 dollars my grandma gave me. My grandparents watch Judge Judy on the television, grandma annoyed at my grandpa and said I don't wanna hear it.
  I put my jacket on and leave again, still wondering if the carpet is a biohazard. I put my feet into my thong sandals again. The jacket I'm wearing is a Ben Sherman puffy black jacket with no hood, two inside pockets and two zipper pockets on the outside. It's more rigid that similar jackets of its type. I experience the feeling of locking the door, you can feel the bolt slide to the left, the key fits into the hole easily. I put my hands in my pockets and feel how it affects the alignment and stance of my body, tauntening. I contemplate whether I should put smoking cannabis off till later. Contemplating on the efficacy of smoking without taking breaks. Thinking about instead of getting it for myself, keeping the money and sharing it with friends later. I give in to the craving, and figure it's not a big deal and my friends are way more successful and can do practically whatever they want and want me to take care of myself and money isn't really an issue anyways. I feel good walking. The air is brisk and humid. The humidity holds an extremely subtle and pleasant warmth. I pass by a bar with a big sign stating their Happy Hour times and special taco tuesday and prime rib dip, a nail salon that you can't see into called The Fifteenth, a hair salon with glass windows, a human resources center with a logo of many interlocking hands made into a circle, a pet hospital with a green awning and logo of a golden retriever silhouette. Someone is rushing in front of me to cross the crosswalk, there's only 6 seconds left on the timer so I go the other direction. There's a Pizza Hut, with its iconic hut/box red logo, a Subway with its yellow and white logo, a Cricket Wireless with its green and white logo, and another Starbucks. I reach the Grass store with its orange logo, across the street is Burger King and behind that a supermarket, I notice a martial arts studio too, never having realized that's what it was. There's a bus stop outside of Grass with broken glass by the thick metal wire bench, the building is light red brick, I turn right, the set up similar to a Liquor store, an exit and entrance, windows obscured by white plastic. I pull the door and there's someone to check your ID to my right. He is pleasant and says You're good to go after I pull out my ID and he scans it. There are 5 or 6 people in there, employees and customers. The slender pretty alternative Asian-mixed looking girl I saw when I went there a week ago was there. I choose not to look at her, my temperature goes up a bit. I look at the big TV display they have with their menu, and in front of me is a case of prerolled cannabis joints, after a minute, a clerk asks what he can do for me. I say I want a 5 dollar full gram preroll. He asks me my preference between Indica and Sativa and I ask for the highest THC. He brings out one with 27% and checks all the others. He says he thinks the 27% is the highest until he checks the last one and sees it's 30%. The clerk asks me what I'm going to do the rest of the day and guesses that I'll chill. I say yeah and ask him what about him. He says he's working till late, pauses, then says later he'll go home and chill. I say thank you and leave. I don't know when the idea entered my mind, but a block away from my grandparent's apartment is an off-leash dog park. The walk would be all the way back, then another two blocks. I thought about smoking it now or later, and chose to do it on the way to the dog park. I crossed the street and looked at a large building of a Public Health Laboratory, there were two modern sculptures in front of it, lots of grass, some trees. As I walk past the Lab, there was raised concrete walls with dirt and grass and plants. The plants obscured view and I figured this would be a good place to smoke. There was a specific place on the concrete wall where it would be easier to get up it. A wall of rocks was also in front of the concrete, there was one as a stepping stone, and another to get up the wall, then a path of dead grass, and a fence looking into a lot a block up from the lab. There was a sign saying Commissary here, which is interesting because my most successful aunt wanted to name her new restaurant that, but instead let my cousin name it. I remembered the feeling of when she declared that's what she wanted to name it. I wonder why she didn't name it that. The Commissary. There is a mossy outgrowth by the fence, I take the joint out of the tube it came in, it's not very fragrant. I light it up slowly so it burns evenly, letting the flame kiss the end and deftly moving the flame. I hit it gently, as last time it felt like unburnt grains were getting into my lungs. It feels good, it tastes good, I feel happy, I feel excited and calm. I smoke it a bit rapidly, but with small puffs. I put it out on a tree, and stomp out the cherry. I retrace my steps through the same dead, wheat colored grass, and go back down the stepping stones, now walking purposefully towards the dog park. I can see blurry images of dogs playing in the distance, obscured by chain fences. I walk into the cement lot, the new surroundings becoming clearer. I see the special two gate entrance so dogs can't get out. On my left there is gravel and a huge amount of feces strewn about it. It smells but not that bad. When I get to the gate, it starts to smell more. Before I even open the first gate, I'm looking for a place in the park I can sit. I spot two dirty white lawn chairs, one occupied, and a picnic bench. I open the first gate, the smell of dogs hits me, and as I approach and open the second gate a brown dog with black accents gets passed me into the pen between gates. I hold the second gate open hoping the dog would go back to its owner and watched nervously as the brown dog rested its front legs on the gate fence and looked out. I felt embarassed that I let a dog get into the pen and worried that it would try to escape. The owner came and got their dog in a minute, I didn't say anything. A group of 6 or more dogs play vigorously in the center of the park, the ground was sand, dirt, some patches of grass. I wonder if the smell of cannabis was strongly on me and I hoped it wasn't. I sat on the picnic bench table, observing the dogs, there was a bottle of blue Powerade on the table. I look to see the appearances and personalities of the dogs. There was a dalmation with its black spots, playing frisbee with its owner. I watch as the intelligent dog directs its owner to where she wants her owner to go. I watched the particular way the dalmation would dive into the frisbee to pick it up, pouncing at its edge, early, and how its using its body to envelope the frisbee and to slow to a stop simultaneously. I watch this dog most intently, marveling at its intelligence, it begins to play with a Viszla, the breed that my 6th grade crush had. The dalmation was dominating her and playing very rough, the Viszla was lithe, the dalmation muscular and athletic. The dalmation would bring its front legs up on the Viszla's shoulders, like a hug. I see the dalmation holding back and showing some degree of politeness, despite being so aggressive and spunky. The dalmation would half mount but stop, I think of shining living beings of exceptional health and instances of when they are supportive and empowering. I'm feeling very happy but a bit tired and the cannabis smoking produced a pain in my upper left chest. The pain makes me grateful to be alive, and gives me a desire to enjoy this moment in this dog park to the fullest. Dogs pass by close proximity of me, the picnic bench is hard to miss when you want to go to the gate. A black dog with medium hair jumps up onto the table and licks me in the face! I try to push it away and move my face away but it gets me pretty good. Blech, dog kisses. People probably don't want their dogs licking my face. I get some good pets in and push it away gently and it runs back to its owner. I watch the dogs the group of dogs play in the center and more dogs come. The dalmation surprises me by running up on the table like the dog before and aggressively licking my face. The dalmation managed to lick my tongue. I thought what a smart, powerful, sweet dog. She simultaneously knocks over the Powerade sitting on the table, and runs off to her owner. A woman with ball slings and other dog toys comes through the gate with 3 dogs in tow. A white and cream collie comes in. The woman with the dog toys picks up the Powerade and asks me if it's mine. I say no and she looks at me and takes the bottle to the trash. I think, I should have done that.
  Another dog jumps up onto the table, a tan dog, it licked at my face but not directly on it, I outstretched my neck and the dog stayed face to face with me. It let me pet it for quite a while, not letting me push it away. This is the sweetest dog.
  I decide to walk around the park and then leave. I walk around the outer left edge to the back edge where there's a tree, cut into the center to observe the dogs playing closer, the collie, and now 7 or 8 darker colored dogs roaming around. A glanced at a dog mounting another dog and their owners calling their dogs to stop. In my mind I think of a world and a memory where owners ask each other Are you okay with this? and just letting it happen. As I approach the gate from the right edge of the park, where the lawn chairs are, two smaller breeds come in through the gate. There was also a female child crying in the parking lot earlier, who had stopped crying and come into the park. Her mother talking to her about plans was pleasant to listen to. I feel as I walk home contentment. Loneliness averted. I look again at the Public Health Lab's white paint, and I walk left and cross the street into my grandparent's apartment building.

  Part 2

  I'm on a black leather couch in the back corner of the comic library of my successful, tastefully decorated, two-storey gourmet and entertainment megacenter. There's a copy of the Gantz omnibus in my right hand, it's a heavy block. On my left there's a sidetable with thai iced tea in a glass mug, perfectly creamy, sweet and tea flavored. My feet are propped up on my heels, I'm wearing a lightweight ultrathin shoe that breathes but provides good foot support. I wear a worn t-shirt and lightweight trainer style pants, my hair is shaven, my body is light and muscular. I'm just coming to from sleepless rest, the smell is comic books, behind it the smell of beef bone soup, cinnamon, star anise, cloves, cardamom and fennel. The time is 2:30 AM, the manga library is empty besides me, there are five people on computers, ten people eating and drinking and having a good time playing darts between bites, slurps, sips and gulps. Besides me, there are two employees making the broth, each cauldron has 90 servings, a new cauldron needs to be made every day. Other cauldrons with other soups bubble, a pork bone soup that had been boiling for 60 hours, an herbal beef soup for 20, the deep fryers had recently been used and more robust pasta and rice sauces were also boiling, smelling of cream, dried parsley, oregano, slight hints of sweet seafood and tomato. I check my phone, twice as thick as a credit card, double-sided, the end of two generations of innovation, ecofriendly and hyperfunctional, transparent, micro hydrogen battery, projection technology. A holographic video message from my lover pops up as I pick up the phone, her pale face, slim nose, eager smile ask petulantly when I'll be home. I stiffen up and feel the blood rush to my muscles, I point the camera at my childlike, soft face and say two and a half hours. Love you, can't wait to see you. My feet are now flat on the ground, I motion to return the Gantz omnibus, finish the Thai iced tea and wipe the tables, turn off the lights to the library. I walk out of the open library into the fighting game, single player, movie, console station, check the tables and see that they are clean, and walk between the 4 couches and 4 TV set up, into the PC area. I check for any peripherals left out, find a headset and grab it along with the tea mug, 13 PCs on elevated racks with hanging USB dongles like vines hanging down, blue LED light shining in their sockets. A sigh and a thought, "This is exactly how I wanted it to be."
  Beyond the PC area, metal stairs with sandy foot grips, I go down them and see the entrance, the bar, darts area, card game and eating tables. As I U-Turn from the stairs, I see the larger eating area with booths and tables, two ping pong tables, and the kitchen. The customers by the entrance and darts boards see me and wave, loving the food and the environment, I hear their conversations and their glee. I ask them if they need anything else, an employee swoops to my side, the wave of air and dutifulness more refreshing than any ocean breeze or hot bath. He says Sir I've got them all covered, don't worry about it. An extremely average looking guy, yet strong and direct. A couple walk in, the other employee swoops by to hand them their preordered tapioca milk teas, they huddled in the card game area enjoying each others company.
  Good work guys, thanks for taking care of the shop. Let me try that pho soup.

  I smiled at all the customers and say, If you need anything from me, don't be afraid to ask! If you haven't tried our dessert yet you can try it for half off!
  Then walked into the kitchen, past the booths, into a divide placing me in the middle of many cutting surfaces, toppings containers, boiling cauldrons, ovens and deep fryers. I say to myself, The beef broth needs to be tasted. Everything needs to be tasted constantly to know that it's moving along towards a taste that will satisfy everyone. I grab a small rice bowl and soup spoon, stir the soup with a ladle and take a bit with the soup spoon and sip it over the rice bowl.

  Hmm, the beef flavor is coming nicely, could it be too oniony? Clove is just right.

  I take the ladle and put a few spoonfulls into the rice bowl. I drink and smell it more aggressively, it burns my tongue a bit.
  What do you think, sir? asks the Average Employee. We think it could use a carrot. Maybe more anise. says Employee #2.
  Perfect. I'll do it. How about more sugar too? Will that be too sweet?
  They both nod in agreement. I walk to the pantry where the sugar is kept, grabbed a chunk, shuffled whimsically to grab a carrot and a pod of anise. I toast the anise, peel the carrot and throw the sugar in, then the peeled carrot and toasted anise. The time is 3:00 AM. I taste the pork soup, it's perfect, I taste the herbal beef soup, ever so slightly bland and throw away some expired things, clean a few pots for tomorrow's pasta sauces. My phone, in my pant pocket, reminds me to be home at 5. I feel a bit worried of what AI has become. Could it be too intrusive? I brush off the thought. My mind fancifully wanders to how wonderful the world has become in the year 2053. 3D printing has made all manners of craft accessible to anyone, the world has become a place of true progress and respect. I check inventory, notice we have enough for the next 2 days. I glance at the people still playing darts, and walk to the dessert cooler, grabbing a tiramisu and a strawberry cake from it. I walk to them purposefully and drop them down. They're already packaged for to-go so you can take it home and eat it later if you want. On the house. Thank you for your business.
  A shy looking early 20s male in the group asked, Can I get another ramen please?
  Upon hearing it, Employee #2, a lanky, hyperalert guy swoops by and asks what toppings and a variety of other gradients in preference.
  Let me get it with roasted tomato, 1 clove of crushed garlic and extra pork please.
  Employee #2, said Understood and moves to prepare the toppings and soup while Average Employee prepared the noodles, whispering, What doneness on the noodles? Medium.
  I glance at everyone in the eyes and smile at their youth and potential. Two girls and a guy thank me graciously for the desserts and open one and tear at it. I look back at my employees and feel a wave of warmth through me. The ramen is prepared in three minutes, the customer puckers and pops his lips with every bite, the savory, sour, sweetness of the roast tomato, with the spiciness of the garlic, the soy glaze and texture of the tender pork.
  No wonder you guys have a 5 star on Yelp. This is the best ramen I have ever had.
  The girl eating the tiramisu was silent but intently eating four bites.
  I say, We use two densities of cakes and a very thin wafer, high quality 78% dark chocolate. We beat the cream mixture exactly 320 times. Our ramen noodles, have a similar exactness to get the noodle texture just right.
  I can hear the man eating the noodles and the woman eating the tiramisu able to savor the food even more knowing the care that went into their preparation.
  Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to make some noodles. If you need anything those guys will help you.
  I walked back into the kitchen, washed my hands with cool water, made dough, kneaded the dough, flattened it and cut it. In 90 minutes I am able to create 90 servings of noodles, which need to be aged. I remembered the feeling of first starting and being much slower.
  Earlier in the day I made dumplings, beef rib and thin beef preparations, as I finished making the noodles, the party eating and playing darts was gone, Average Employee and Employee #2 are upstairs with the four customer gamers relaxing, the couple who came in and got the milk tea watched a movie upstairs. I checked my phone again, 4:45 AM, someone is coming in at 6 to help with the morning rush, I'll come back in at 7 or 8. I walked out of my business and got in my car, everything is automated. It knows how to get me home, it knows how to fasten my seatbelt, it knows what my schedule is like. But I'm so glad to go home to my love. I smell the scent of her in the car, like a rare flower, I anticipate her arms around me and the feeling of her back on my fingers and palms, curious to know what incredible art she is creating.
  The ride is short, and I arrive at home, a three story unit with the most therapeutic amenities. I walk up to the door and she opens it, it's exactly 5 AM, we melt into each other, but more me into her, she's been watching a friend streaming mahjong and apparently they all wish she was there. But she stayed home and everything is clean, we lay down on the bed and I massage her for a few minutes and she massages me. Her sultry, kind, sincere, adoring voice asked, You must be excited to go to Tokyo and start a new location. I'm so proud of you.
  I look at her in the eyes and can't take more than a few seconds without bursting into tears, so I look up at the exposed beams of the house.
  I'm just glad you get to come wherever I go, and I wouldn't go if you couldn't.
  She purses her face and lips hard and I put my forehead on hers, being silly feeling how hard her lips pucker with my own, making blowfish and chimpanzee motions with my mouth.
• 

  Mary Betts October 27, 2018 at 4:58pm

  Awaken. Awaken. Awaken.

  My brain has been looping. 

  I slow down. Fresh oxygen.  Breathe in. Slow down.Breathe out.  I come to center. Breathe in. Smile. Breathe out. 

  I step out of the loop. 

  I say aloud "Overprotective mechanisms that were all too comfortable with a familiar pattern cross wired behaviors and thoughts."

  i see my mind a tangle soften and untangle itself. See a new geometry of patterns wire. See old wires pruned back fall away. An Italian gardener lovingly pruning my brain so that the roses of my nuerons can bloom.

  BUT NOW, I know that the symptoms in my life are just cross wiring and I choose to rewire my brain and my thoughts.

  The voice of amuakua speaks ( the parent or higher self)

  Welcome home Mary. Gorgeous being. WOW. You are amazing. I open my arms to you. I open my heart. 

  I shower my love and support upon thee. I love how you are using your imagination to create your reality. How you are curating your life, being aware what you ingest both physically and mentally. I am watching you build these beautiful and amazing bridges of wonder and love and healing and peace and joy. It's WONDERFULl and you are getting better and better at it. 

  I am proud of you and I love you sooo much. 

  ( Speaking to my inner child/limbic system, it's a vision of me at 2-4 years old) blonde hair curls) 

  Limbie... Limbie. Come here. There you are! Oh I see you have found the best most amazing place to be. It's a fort! I love it. So creative. Baby? I want to tell you a few things. 

  Thank you so much for trying to protect me over the years. For letting me know when I was unsafe and for sending me the messages. Your job is keep me out of danger. I appreciate you. But sweetheart, we have a new system and that system is so good. We are safe. We are protected and we are strong. Mary and Amuakua are in charge now and we want you to get he REST you so deeply deserve. 

  Let me show you how. See this fluffy bed in this tree house? That's yours. See that pink Fluffy unicorn stuffed animal? That's yours. See this pad of paper and art and brushes and crayons and colors? That's yours too. We want you to play and express yourself. I promise that if we REALLY need you we will come get you. In the meantime I invite you to play and deeply rest and relax and recharge so Mary will be strong and relaxed and healthy. That's your new position Limbie. Lay down and rest. 

  Breathe 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hold 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, exhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Here I will rub your back and stroke your hair and sing to you a lullibye  

  "todaaaaay, while the blossoms still cling to the vine, I'll taste your strawberries, I will drink your sweet wine... a milion tomorrows will all pass away never forget all the joys that are miiiiine. To- daaaay.

  Good girl. So proud of you. ( whispers... good night good night sleep well) 

  What are you choosing now Mary?

  I feel sooooooo amazing. I feel profoundly relaxed, calm feeling inner and outer peace permeating my cells and consciousness. I feel vibrantly healthy and very high vibration. 

  I feel creative and confident and connected.

  I feel full of energy and inspiration. I feel loved and loving and adored. I love honor and respect myself and I am grateful for all my blessings. 

  I am prosperous and successful and I love what I do and I know I am guided in my work and my creations. I am a fountain of abundant health, wealth, joy and friendship and I love my life. 

  From this place of connection I move now into a past visual memory:

  It's dark. It's winter.  We are in tecopa in osuthern calirfonia visiting Molly. Sandi has come with Dominick and WE are going to gaze and have a party for the weekend. But right now we are going to the local hot spring. We park the truck and all I can hear is the crunch of our feet against the desert soil. They got there a few minutes ahead of us and we have the whole place to ourselves. We disrobe in the darkness by the reeds and gingerly pick our way into the pool. It's sooo hot and delicious. You can smell the minerals and the grass and the slight sulphur smell. i sink into the water. I dissolve into the womb of the earth. It's so immersive and almost like a narcotic euphoria as you soak and let the heat penetrate deep into me. Relaxing me. It's almost too hot in places. I feel soo good. We ware talking softly in low tones. Blissed out. Silky waters. I feel soo good. Soo amazing. So healthy. I am being purified by this holy water. 

  It's so warm that I lay myself on the bank of reeds and grass to cool off. the moon is up and half full. It's light spills down and I bathe too in that light asborbing the lunar mystery and feeling at total one with the natural world around me. I say a prayers of gratitude for this moment for this place for my friends who are here with us. We pull the hot mud up and let it squish through our fingers. The desert is quiet but you can hear a coyote in the distance. It's time to go! I quickly run to a towel and shiver  myself into warm fuzzy onesie. There is a thermous of hot  ginger tea waiting for me and a comfoy cozy bed too. We say our goodnights and drive the quick distance back to the room. Cuddled by Jason. The bed and my dreams take me quickly into that velvety place of deepest rest and beautiful dream scapes.  The energy is a deep purple color and it comes down through the top of my head down the front of my body around my pelvis and up to my sacrum and then up my spine to the top of my head. I circulate it three times and then drift easily off into the dream world where new  wonderful experiences await me. 

  Moving into a future visual 

  We turn off the dusty BLM road that leads to the star gazing spot. It's empty. It's nearly dusk and so we put on our jackets and get to work. It's so quiet out there. I see a vast basin of sage brush and low scrub of desert plants against a white minerally sea of soil and in the distance to the west is a long chain of short mountains rising against the horizon. There is no grid. just open space. The warmth of the summer day is fadin out fast to the cool of the desert but from time to time a warm luft of breeze will emerge to caress you in contrast to the cooling air.  We unpack the trailer and POP it up into place. I break into a light sweat from the exertion. Jason goes to set up the telescope and the equipment and I can feel the anticipation of the night coming into my belly like a small wave of information. I feel giddy. 

  I put on my layers to buffer against the coolness and wander around the site waiting for the others to come. I feel restless and so I organize my things. Alchemy, head lamp, water bottle. I want them all findable in the darkness. I can hear the crunch and see the headlights of the others coming in. FINALLY! Hugs are given, high fives are distrubuted. We go into dynamo mode and get everyone's tent or sleep situation up in the near darkness in record time. Playlist is fired up. 10 minutes til lift off. 

  The sky transitions from deep turquise into a lavender and then a blueberry into indigo into a navy inky velvetness and the stars slowly come in. piercing the velvet. It's SO CLEAR. IT's very calm air. IDEAL conditions for viewing. The gods are with us. I feel the wave of magick near. 

  I can smell the fire from the fire pit a ways away. Smokey pine. I can hear the warmth of the ambient sounds of the playlist as it's pouring out of Duque Jason's truck. The low mururs of people catching up and the happy relaxed atmosphere being created from the synergy of the group. I am in a connected and social mood with three new friends and wonderful conversations happening. I love these people. They inspire me to become a better human. Jason is telling stories and making people laugh by the truck bed. I pour a libation of sparkly mineral waters and wander the party. The sky with it's dark contrast and endless stars seduces me  into the open basin. I am looking up looking hard for any ufos. Maybe we will get lucky and see one. 

  We have the telescope and the Television and the 3d glasses and the chairs for our "werid outdoor living room" all set up and ready. I walk back to the soft glow of the TV and began to dance. This is my song, my jam. Molly and I are belly dancing and weaving some kind of pattern with out motions. 

  Jason puts in the coordinates into the computer and the telescope wirs its way to the object perfectly aligned and ready to stack. The images come filing in and slowly and accurately the object comes into view on the television. 

  The glow from the TV and the soft gasps of the viewers draw the attention of the group. What's this one called? This is Hercules says Jason. 

  I see perfect image. A manadala. An explosion of diamonds slightly green in a shape of a fountain moving outwards. It's core is bright. WHITE HOT. A star factory. The energy is present. PALPABLE. Enveloping. Swoony. Familiar. Hello my old friend I whisper. 

  Jason activates the 3d. The image is out of the screen like a hologram. the connection is here now. Not a million years ago but here and now. Reaching for me. Pleased that someone is seeing it. Someone is appreciating it. Loving it. I can feel it moving to me. It's coming through me. from all angles from all compass points. Depositing poems in my solar plexus. Speaking a language I have no words to discern and yet understand somehow. It stains me. Leaves me changed. Healed. Connected to something ancient and seemingly inanimate? But not. This is a GOD. A living entity. An energy. Something i could worship and yet somehow you feel it feels the same way about you. 

  I am restored. I am in touch. I am home. home is not a location or destination but a state of being of connectedness. 

  The energy in green comes into my crown. Flows down the front of my face, my throat, my chest, my belly, my pelvis, it flows down around my root chakra and up to my sacrum and up to the top of my head. My tongue touches the roof of my mouth. I circulate it 3 times again. 

  I am home.
• 

  Calvin December 3, 2018 at 11:42pm

  Writing this has been a journey. I've thought deeply about soul healing, terpenes, serotonin, breathing, intention, awareness/arousal, fascia/anatomy, permission/consent and love. At first I thought, let me just be authentic, what does the base me want and think about? Those are my drafts. I quickly realized writing that, that way, was not good enough. I want to engage whoever reads this on a mirror neuron level and let my gratitude for Mary and Jason and everyone here who has engaged with me, be known. I thought first of the idea that I need permission from a higher being to get this out. Then I asked myself, 'How do I want to be perceived?'
  
  Realizing, that's a really hard question to answer. But answering that question is where any imagination comes from in the first place. In the background of it all, my worldview, my fear, my hopelessness.
  
  Thank you for prompting this Mary.
  
  I make three attempts at 5-5-5 breaths while sitting. It's too shallow. I stand up and for three breaths attempt to circulate the energy as instructed. I find a sweet spot. I actually bend my torso upwards on the in breath and downwards on the outbreath, I do this five times, my prefrontal cortex is starting to tingle. I sit down again and type this and continue to breathe this way, I think of earlier attempts and the thought that I had been breathing incorrectly my entire life, I think of things traumatized family members say. I cannot continue to be thrown off by the lashing out of others. The back of my brain tingles. I try to access my brain stem and center of my brain. I crack my knuckles on my upper thighs. Longer hold. My brain feels active. One last breath, hold, two phases of exhale.
  I intuitively put my hands together, thumbs touching, middle knuckles touching, searching for a memory.
  
  It's a simple memory. It's a tickle fight. Me and a girlfriend. She's on her back on my memory foam pad. I'm visually focused on the middle and upper parts of her body. She's wearing a white shirt. I tickle her by the ribs masterfully, walking the tightrope of insufferable and ecstatic, between tickles I look at her scrunched face, tan skin, she closes her eyes during the tickle, and opens them wide between tickles, looking into my eyes anticipating the next wave. She smells of Oriental medicinal herbs, she doesn't fight back. I announce, "This is the happiest I've ever been."
  
  I resume ordered breathing to reinvigorate my brain. How do I want to be perceived? What do I truly want? The out breath is warm. I smell perfume. Mustiness. My stomach feels empty, I haven't eaten for 30 hours. I want to go much longer. I can feel the ghrelin. I incorporate my neck into the inhale and my abs into the exhale. My mouth is very wet. I want to be respected. I want to express. I want to be relied on. I want to be harmless. I want to be a pure fountain of absolute joy. I am vibrating. I am flickering. I am gyrating. Visions of DNA. Visions of a pointed, braided, moving tendril. I put my hands on thighs above my knees and close my eyes and lean forward. My visual consciousness becomes an octogon, with a horizontal stripe on the left and right sides, in the stripe is neon blue, green, purple and red. I refuse to make the same excuses and deflections they do, I AM LOVE.
  
  The first thing I see are the lights on the ceiling. I am at the original location of my restaurant/gaming chain. It smells bad, like boiling pork bones, but there's no way around it. I am at the entrance, to my left is the register counter, to my right is the drink counter with a pretty female bartender, behind the register is the cooking area. I can see three grey steel pots. The lights cast down very white LED light. Customers are bumping past me, moving towards the eight seats along a counter directly connected to the kitchen. Three chefs are working fast behind the counter, it is very busy, people wearing winter coats, and sweaters, some eating noisily slurping and others chatting and eating slower. Behind the drink counter are four seats for parties, they are all occupied. On the counter and on every table are two red glass pots with powerful tasting condiments. Regulars are laughing and eating noisily, newcomers are quieter while analyzing the food. I look at the back room, which emanates blue neon light, and walk towards it, looking left and right at customers, asking each one if they need anything. No we're fine! Love this place! Best food ever!
  I reach the back room, there are large PCs on racks near the ceiling, blue LED light is everywhere, 6 gamers play VR games. I sigh and shake my head. My heart feels light and I am glad everything is running smoothly. I walk out of the room, there's a plant by the window in front fo the register side. My nose has acclimated to the smell of pork soup, high temperature searing, frying are hitting me. My right hand reaches for my phone in my thin fuzzy cloth jacket pocket, a message reading: "Come home let's relax before we go to the airport."
  I walk out of the restaurant into the grey concrete street illuminated by an LED streetlight and bellow, "OKYAKUSAMA MINNA YOKU TABETE NE? KITE KURETE DOUMO ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU."
  A few regulars wave as I step out into the crisp cold. Opening the perfectly weighted red door. The street is lined with cars, there are many businesses along this university street. Red neon signs, white neon Irish bar sign, my own sign is wooden with black Chinese characters and white light illuminating it from above. My car is down the street, a small one, Mini Cooper or Fiat sized. The interior is black and plastic, the car starts completely silently, the car freshener wafts an extremely nostalgic blueberry smell. I press the accelerator extremely lightly and turn the wheel left, yellow lines, grey streets, the surroundings blend into white and red and yellow. Stoplights. Renovated modern apartment buildings with various businesses at their bases. People strolling.
  I arrive home. It's a very open building with a lot of glass and white gloss. I open the wooden front door with glass window and there are soft white lights on in a room to the left. There are white couches and a female is sitting looking at a device in her hand. The smell is lightly apple, lightly lemony, the female, looks up at me and jumps up quickly and dives into my chest. Nearly falling, I brace my stance and catch her, she's vibrating with complexity in excitement and it's making me tingle. She's wearing a black tank top and purple short shorts. It's warm in the house. I admire the decorations and plants and the way the light plays off everything. I feel excited and put my arms firmly around her middle back, feeling her muscles and bones with my wrists and palms. She raises her head and looks me directly in the eye, her face is smooth and slim and her eyes are small, her nose is slim and her lips are small. Her hair is thin and in a ponytail. "I'm so excited to go to Cannes!"
  I release my hold and she takes my hand and leads me to the couch and pushes me down and curls into me. There's a huge TV in front of me with her favorite movie playing that she's watching while stroking my knee. There's a Spanish looking character in a hotel room with a balcony overlooking water. I lean back into the couch and caress her collarbone and neck. I am overwhelmed by this love.
  
  I breathe in gently, trickling energy from my crown to my anterior around the sacrum up the posterior. On the second iteration I shoot the energy up from the sacrum and I smile with my lips closed and press them together in an almost proud gesture. On the third iteration, at the end of the cycle my brain pulses with blood.