Nature abhors a vacuum but void is all there truly is. Emptiness longing for polarity. An insatiable hunger feasting upon demise. An unquenchable thirst of withering sorrow drowning itself in an inundation of hope that is chemically identical to despair. Birth is incipient death. We console ourselves searching for more light and that same light is a burning sacrifice tantamount to the encompassing darkness because even the light that seeks to fill, feeds, upon the darkness within our soul.
Does anybody here struggle with thoughts about life like this? Like, what is the purpose? Has anybody ever struggled with frequent suicidal ideation? Has anybody felt completely alone, isolated, felt like they don't belong anywhere? Has anybody went years without truly laughing? Without truly smiling? Has anybody ever felt like they have a total inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways?
Has anybody ever felt like they're living inside an empty shell? Like they've been to the edge of infinity and it isn't ending well...?
How did you break out of it and feel alive again?
Interestingly, I ordered Sembria and the first time I used it I almost immediately began to chuckle for no apparent reason. Subsequent use seems to be awakening the Jester archetype - I've actually been laughing at things I do.
...but I still feel empty, isolated, and alone. Without purpose I suppose. Maybe that's all any of us need, a sense of purpose and a subjective reason?
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Yesterday when I read this I wanted to write a long reply to address the nuanced truths and beauty in the words and concepts. Today I'm more in the "f it let them all die, kill them all" mood. Maybe I'll revisit and introspect sometime in the future. Maybe I'll be dead. Who knows.
Yep. I understand that. If you need to vent, we're here for that too. Sometimes you just can't scream loud enough.
Hahahhaa look at you trying to pose as righteous while speaking of a tyrannical regime.
Look at you speaking against saviour figures while expecting the government to be a saviour figure.
I would say first focus on manifesting a utopia for your own self, then proceed to change the world, starting from your mind!
I won't spoil the ending nor the workings of the matrix hohohoho!
However, your cup is full Matthew. Keep trying to change the world, see how that works out for you, rather how that has historically worked out for you, I'll wait.
I don't know how else to tell you that everything is permitted, nothing is sacred in this world, everything is subject to life and death. We come here to experience the opposite of Oneness.
For what it's worth here's a little text I wrote to myself, it might help you:
I view life like a dream. None can waken from a dream the world is dreaming for him. Then, he becomes the subject in someone else's dream and he cannot waken from a dream he did not make: He becomes a shadow leaping to the ups and downs conceived by the idle dreaming of the world. Thus perceiving the self as being in helpless misery, the person suffers continuously. If only one was to accept the throne of the dreamer, then everything in sight is his. Every dream symbol is to be interpreted by ownself and as such could be understood as literally manifested there through oneself to expose a weakness in the ego. Through constant reinterpretation of the laws of the world to the laws of Oneness one becomes the decider of his own destiny in time, manifesting only a truer Self that is in line with Love. The absolute center of the Universe is you, it is through you that reality is United, collapsing into one focal point. I admit there is nothing more terrifying than the belief that you are not the dreamer of your dream, so you suddenly become the victim of the world instead of its prime mover, this fear is precisely the motivator of the desire to change the world. However, the cause of suffering is a symbol in your mind that you've simply sentenced with death and thus you are depressed because a part of you is sentenced to die, take it apart, disassemble it and see how it serves you to find the life within. Forgive it for what it could do to you and see no attachment to any of the possible outcomes of its action. Then with free mind, act! Act unhindered by fear and love.
That's p much it my bro, in these posts I've given you all I know to be true and good.
Matthew, you are in excellent company with Jakub and Paisios. They can help guide you to a new understanding simply because you asked if there was something else to life. Normally, I get involved too but I am not being guided in this way right now which means that I'm not needed.
This will be a difficult transition but much easier with them. Just in case you are wondering how to withstand the negative perceptions that might be flooding your experience, look at what Jakub is saying. The thing is, if you end it, you start over because you will perceive failure. This is just how we understand it. It is not a fun recurring loop to be stuck in. Learn the lessons while you can.
That is our entire purpose here. To develop a deeper understanding of ourselves. The thought of making this world a better place is wonderfully romantic but deeply flawed. Change your universe from within. It is your universe after all even if it doesn't seem like you have any say.
You are not doomed. You are emerging. Your caterpillar life of devouring what is in your path sounds to be coming to an end. Freedom awaits. All you have to do is listen and decide for yourself.
I hope that helps some. If I'm not guided, then there is no magic. No magic equals just me trying to figure out what to say. It is kinda hit or miss. :)
Thank you for your reply. It does help and I appreciate you.
While I don't know the details, maybe part of your purpose is to rally your neighbors into filing a class action lawsuit against your negligent landlord? That would make you feel less isolated and alone, no? I'm sure it's a very tricky situation anyway, so use your own judgment and legal counsel.
If you haven't already and have the means to do so, just leave the toxic environment. Have you tried any natural remedies or detox protocols for the mold exposure?
It sounds like you have a few things that are binding up your energy and you either need to resolve those or let them go and move on. You'll be stuck until you can consciously resolve those things in one way or another, even if it's just a symbolic throwing away of things that no longer serve you.
Sometimes a deep house cleaning and re-arranging furniture can help loosen you up and get you back into that flow state. Perceive where stale energy is stored around you in different things and find creative ways to either transform it or just let it go.
Thank you, Adam.
Yes I have left. I've been out of those places since December 2022. I've been doing natural remedies. Crushed garlic with Manuka honey in warm water morning and night seemed to finally clear my lungs. I went months without coughing (after years with a chronic cough), but alas, the cough came back (albeit for only a couple days). From what I read this can be common with the disease known as Aspergillosis. It doesn't help that the doctors are basically morons who've done everything "by the book". CT Scan of sinuses; pulmonary tests; even stuck a camera up my nose and into my throat all to tell me "I'm fine". But I'm not fine and I haven't been. Now I have these weird ring like splotches on my arms, that are replicating, little spots of skin losing pigment, waiting for the dermatologist to contact me hopefully by Tuesday. They better not say I'm fine.
I'd love to rally my neighbors. Many of them had similar complaints about developing a cough after moving in. My symptoms were likely worse due to exposure levels. I talked to a couple of them about it but haven't heard back. My lawyer said we can try suing together but that it would complicate the case due to differences in the effects and living sitiation. After I began suspecting mold, I asked for a new apartment and they refused. I asked to leave and break my lease and they refused. Finally they came in and tore open walls and out fans in the unit - WITH ME LIVING THERE. They said "just let the fans run". I paid $500 and showed them this mold report. Which stated they need dehumidifiers, professional remediation with full PPE equipment and respirators etc. Then they finally promised me a new unit (which they subsequently rented to somebody else), TWICE. I showed up on time to view and they'd say "sorry we just rented that". When they did move me to a new unit it was the same. Water pouring from the ceiling. Musty smell when using heat or AC.
Is it wrong for me to fantasize about killing the man who owns Greystar? I mean, shit, he's a fucking billionaire and his team of lawyers are fighting me... I was legitimately poisoned by his company. I'm still sick and who knows how many years, or decades it may have shaved off my life. The physical symptom when I was in that unit were HORRENDOUS. Bloody stools and chronic diarrhea; chronic fatigue, headaches; I developed a thing where I literally could not sneeze for two years (I tried to sneeze then it would STOP and just BURN); chest pain and pain in my left arm on several occasions; severe respiratory distress; skin issues; blurry vision; abdominal pain. Sorry I know that was gross and all... Our legal system in the U.S. is a DISGRACE... If there is no Justice why should billionaires have peace?
Even my poor kitties were showing signs of respiratory distress when living there. Took Patrick to the vet it had me so worried. Thank god they are okay now. I'd have already killed that mf if something happened to them. I love cats more than humans.
I feel you, Matt. We're up against a corrupt system that favors the rich, powerful, and well-connected. It does seem like they have more than just you to worry about when websites like this are around: https://greystarnightmare.com/ - there's a story there titled Victory that sounds similar to your case.
I do hope that you're successful with your legal battle, and receive a decent settlement to maybe start fresh somewhere else, even another country if that's what you desire. If you do that, go somewhere that attracts your positive traits and well-being. Don't run away from your problems, but face them, deal with them, and then work on rebuilding the life that you want.
Perhaps there is some past life trauma causing you to attract these situations and fight with thoughts of revenge and hopelessness? You have a choice to break that cycle and recreate your life in a way that sets you up for personal healing and growth. They won't win anything over you if you refuse to allow them to control your life.
Your heart is in the right place, so focus on your healing and yeah, stay close to those furry friends. I love animals, and they certainly help to fill a void that people cannot.
After all is said and done, you'll feel better knowing that you can change your situation yourself and rise out of the ashes stronger than you ever thought possible. We're in a war for our minds and our souls, and right now, you still have the advantage, because you've done nothing wrong.
Yes that sound precisely like what I was dealing with. Water pouring from the ceiling. The roof actually caving in above the tub. SOLID blackness inside the walls. They told me they are "killing the mold" using something called "KILZ". I looked it up. It doesn't kill mold. They're sealing it in the walls! To be blown everywhere through the HVAC. Sewage flowing up out of all the drains on numerous occasions. The toilet bubbling up laundry soap and overflowing was nearly an everyday occasion. Flooding happened too many times to count. Many times I was left using every towel I had to soak it all up. Terrible management.
This system DEFINITELY favors the rich. You scroll through platforms like Facebook and read (intentional?) sociopathic and narcissistic programming. Stuff that places utmost importance on the individual, blaming them for failures, etc. Yet to not account for the environment is a logical fallacy: fundamental attribution error. Society places the "exception to the rule" on a pedestal and proclaims: THE SYSTEM WORKS! Yet the data tells another story. The SINGLE biggest factor that determines the future education, success, and income of an individual is IN FACT nepotism.
I only remember one district past life. It may sound strange but it was a "crystal city". A huge futuristic city made of crystal or glass. A utopia. I remember it since I was very young, placing myself into a "device" of sorts thy transported me here. Probably sounds crazy but it's ingrained into my being.
I appreciate your kind and motivational words. Thank you.
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