Nature abhors a vacuum but void is all there truly is. Emptiness longing for polarity. An insatiable hunger feasting upon demise. An unquenchable thirst of withering sorrow drowning itself in an inundation of hope that is chemically identical to despair. Birth is incipient death. We console ourselves searching for more light and that same light is a burning sacrifice tantamount to the encompassing darkness because even the light that seeks to fill, feeds, upon the darkness within our soul.
Does anybody here struggle with thoughts about life like this? Like, what is the purpose? Has anybody ever struggled with frequent suicidal ideation? Has anybody felt completely alone, isolated, felt like they don't belong anywhere? Has anybody went years without truly laughing? Without truly smiling? Has anybody ever felt like they have a total inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways?
Has anybody ever felt like they're living inside an empty shell? Like they've been to the edge of infinity and it isn't ending well...?
How did you break out of it and feel alive again?
Interestingly, I ordered Sembria and the first time I used it I almost immediately began to chuckle for no apparent reason. Subsequent use seems to be awakening the Jester archetype - I've actually been laughing at things I do.
...but I still feel empty, isolated, and alone. Without purpose I suppose. Maybe that's all any of us need, a sense of purpose and a subjective reason?
Replies
Hey Matt, sure, I can relate :)
First thing I would ask is, how is your relationship to sexual energy?
How is your relationship with your parents?
How is your relationship with your body?
Is there something you enjoy? Not something that is easy to enjoy, like food. Something that takes work.
I know these deep questions about nature of existence and its purpose seem very complicated, but it all boils down to very simple everyday things, like what do you consume, what do you think, what do you do.
Alchemy sure helps to move things along by releasing what can/needs to go
Thank you, Jakub.
My relationship with sexual energy, is, powerful I suppose. It's a good question that isn't easy to answer. I suppose that's one thing really bothering me. The loss of my wife, now ex, due to her mental illness and drug addiction has been difficult. She's been involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution for a couple years now. She is the only person I ever truly loved (although I doubt the feeling was mutual as she is narcissistic and has borderline personality disorder). The abuse, physical and mental, the infidelity, the utter chaos in trying to help somebody that didn't ever want my help, I suppose has taken a toll on me... Now I don't have a sexual partner and that's very hard, because I don't easily meet or even talk to people.
My relationship with my parents is good. My mom and I have a great relationship. I never had a good relationship with my dad because he was never there the way I needed him to be as a child. He was an addict and basically non-existent. He's clean now though and we talk from time to time. I've forgiven him but I know the damage is still present, always thinking about the "what if's" relative to my upbringing.
My relationship with my body is good. I exercise and lift weights. I eat very healthy. I take good care of myself. I don't use drugs or drink alcohol. Although I have been poisoned over the last few years by extremely high levels of toxic black molds in the air where I lived. I think this could be proliferating my current mental state.
There's nothing I truly enjoy anymore. It was writing and music. I released over 90 songs. Would write poetry frequently. I don't find joy there anymore..
You've provided a very succinct answer to the deep questions of nature. I appreciate you.
Please don't feel obligated to respond to any of this. It's good for me to write out my thoughts.
Yeah molds definitely can influence your mental wellbeing if you have them in your system. You can think of your body as a composite organism, you can hear all thoughts from all parts, if there is something like molds or bad gut culture, you can quite literally feel it in your thoughts.
I used to write music too, it was my biggest passion and ultimately what tied me to this experience, and past years, it has slowly disappeared. I have felt music very deeply and I loved it, now it comes back sometimes when I least expect it, but generally its gone. It feels strange and empty, sometimes I cry because I miss it. There are other things that stepped into its place, but Im sure you understand that there is nothing like the feeling of being connected to a piece you are writing down.
I dont have answers for you, but maybe I can help you with the right questions.
You deserve a healthy mutually loving relationship, have you ever had it? If not, why do you think that is?
What is manifesting from within, preventing it?
I was also always very secluded and it was tough meeting people, if you want to change it, you have to put yourself in situations where you dont have a choice, it might be a disaster at first, but gradually things will change. Im not saying you should change who you are, but from my experience, having a partner that balances you is absolutely crucial for a swift unfolding.
If you say your relationship with sexual energy is powerful, thats a good sign. Look into it more. Even without a partner you can achieve great things for your wellbeing and peace.
I dont feel obligated:) I need this just as much as you, we all do.
I also felt sick for years, who really helped me was a traditional chinese medicine doctor. Turns out Ive had a permanent disbalance of hot/cold polarity, that my body wasnt able to fix on its own. I was tired, feverish, couldnt focus, easily iritated, emotional, you name it:)
Went to all kinds of doctors and apparently I was in perfect health.
Couple months of acupuncture and herbal medicine and quality of my life increased a milion times
Try taking a picture of your tongue in the morning after you wake up and look it up online, I would give it a shot if I were you
Yes the way molds impact thoughts and emotions is intense. It's completely changed who I am... it's like it takes over...
With my music I tend to break down into tears when I listen to it. It's a wave that overcomes me brining me back to the moment I wrote those words and created that work. And I wrote a lot that was derived from my experiences hence the emotional response. I haven't wrote anything new in years. Since the mold took over... The last thing I wrote was:
The only thing that I desire in this life is death,
The only thing that I aspire to provide is breath… The only thing I desire in this life is breath, The only thing that I aspire to provide is death…
I've written some decent poetry lately but not like I used to, and not as frequent. It's like that part of me is gone.
I've never had a good "two-way" relationship and I don't know why. It's always either been me doing all the work to try "living up" to the other person's expectations and standards, or the fling type relationship where I'm not into it but I'm there for that sex, because it's good obviously. I haven't had either type in what seems like forever and that's difficult to say the least. Maybe I think I'm not good enough for the type of woman I want. I think I'm a very attractive guy, well read, intelligent, kind, caring, and I deserve the best. The whole package. Brains, beauty, acceptance of me for who I am, all that. But then I see these type of women typically gravitate to men with a lot of money... Although I make very decent money, I live in the CA Bay Area and I don't come from wealth. I'll inherit nothing. So I'm basically poor lol. I think I've been in some very bad relationships due to the fact I don't engage with people extremely well and I attract a certain type of woman who knows how she can use me to get what she wants.
I'll have to delve into other forms of medicine and health care if these doctors don't figure it out soon. We'll see what happens in the near future.
You paint your inner world with nice prose and words, the eloquence afforded by the crimson colors of a rose, whose thorns imbue the mind with images of beauty but also of caution, for the thorns cannot be missed. With these words, you have unwillingly celebrated death, the very opposite of life and where the flow from the springs of the source does not touch, nature withers. You see death because you have distanced yourself from your own Self, you've identified with the laws of physics, the laws of the body, the laws of the physical realm. This is perfectly valid, do not assume I am pointing out a mistake, but you should know, that the bitterness, absolute and stale loneliness, dissapointment, boredom, tiredness and the need for high heartbeats are all symptoms of the celebration of death and are standard milestones on the path to psychopathy, that which is highly sought out by people on the Left Hand Path.
Anyhow, I realise that if you've been brought to reconsider why reality feels like gravity is crushing you without you seemingly doing anything wrong and your lungs feel full with black tar: It means that you've heard your heart.
You've heard the heart despite all the chaos inside of you. You must have found a safe space for one idea to flourish: change or die.
I've hit rock bottom many times in my life and I fancied myself a very strong warrior too. I was rid of all emotion to cope with a universe that made me a stranger to family, my friends and then myself. Many many tears were shed, enough to drown me in fact. My family shared none of my interests, my friends projected the worst at me and were often violent, I, in belief of my own patheticness, believed them all and became someone else. You couldn't spot Paisios nowhere in my eyes for years. All my dreams favoured superviolent acts. I did not smile, I did not feel pleased, especially during late night hours.
What helped me was doing mindfulness until I achieved samadhi, which led to the first jhana and bouts of lucid dreams and astral projections. I remembered my past lives (which are more illusion from the higher point of view btw). Still nothing pleased.
I realised that being happy is identical to being your own self. But you have to learn who you are.
You have to be ready to question your every thought and ask why? Introspect like crazy. Think everything through, why did you act this way? Why ? Why am I scared? Why did I need to get angry? Why? Why?
All that introspection lead to me breaking down, I knew nothing, which at that point, lead me to ACIM. A course in Miracles, which is a book in self-empowerment with a religious undertone that eventually leads you to peace of mind by understanding the contents of perception are all you.
You were doing all the suffering to yourself. You took everything to heart, but you didn't know any better. You destroyed yourself piece by piece. Blaming others is pointless. I realise that taking responsibility for being who you are is the most fundamental thing. Especially when I loved to blame others for my own upbringing. Everything was my own doing. I am the only one who should take the blame, I believed the plot my own ego told me. I was the silly one, I was the one who didn't understand. I never laughed at the greatest joke being told, that it's always been me, lucifer, aggressors, saints, angels, all bullshit blaming tactics to alleviate me of the responsibility of being myself, It's all... me.
You are everyone. The entire planet echoes your every thought and action. I feel you because I feel me and absolute relativity is all there is. Solipsism is correct.
Thank you.
It's interesting that you use the words "lungs filled with black tar" because indeed, I feel my lungs have been poisoned. Except it's not tar because I do not smoke anything (quit cigarettes early 2020 and quit MJ in April 2016). My lungs have been poisoned by extremely elevated levels of three toxic black molds. I've been chronically ill for years. You talk about blame, and I do blame everybody else for this. I blame the multinational property management company that wouldn't take my numerous requests to fix the issue seriously. I blame the legal system for not allowing me justice since they have teams of lawyers and I have one...when a woman can get a million dollars because the attendant refused to pump her gas, but I *might* be able to get a low 6 figures settlement when I've been suffering mentally, physically, emotionally for YEARS. The fear not knowing why I'm sick, the self diagnosing, the anxiety, the depression, not to mention the plethora of physical symptoms, emergency medical visits, the literal crying to my mom telling her to please take care of my cats if I die... my life is worth nothing to this system and now I believe lady liberty is a high priced whore whose assets are for sale to the highest bidder. Similar to the Statue of Liberty, and corrosive tarnish his hidden liberty's true colors. I blame the billionaire who owns the company for every review of his properties has 1 star and everybody knows he is a slum lord raking in billions at the expense of his tenants well being. I do get angry... and want to put a bullet in his head.
I loved to meditate and practice mindfulness in the past. Now it seems the aspergillus may have infected my brain... I can't focus. I can't do anything except get angry, upset, or fall asleep the moment I close my eyes to meditate. EXCEPT at night when I'm supposed to sleep, then I can't.
You don't need to reply to any of this. I'm just venting. It helps I suppose.
As you've said in other posts, you are suffering from a mold infection to your lungs, from the genus Aspergilus, in cases of invasive aspergilosis you can have marked skin lesions. Apart from that, there many diseases that cause of loss of pigmentation, mention pityriasis alba to your doctor. If you want additional help with understanding medical literature, i can help. I'm a med student, I can advise not diagnose though.
Now the blame game:
You've tried blaming didn't you, you screamed injustice and shouted curses. Every system of government is biased against the civilian, make no mistake about that, expect nothing: this is how rotten the world is. Instead, embrace the acceptance of the fact that you're truly entitled to nothing, none owes you anything: nor respect, nor care for your health nor care for your emotions. You are to rely on none that is external to you to, expect nothing... truly, expecting nothing can alleviate a lot of distress. It is our desire and belief that we are entitled to good treatment that leads us to anger. They are allowed to enact every cruelty imaginable to you and it is your responsibility to yourself to catch on before anything like that happens. Remember however, that as much cruelty the human being is capable of, it is also capable of equal beauty and grace. What would you embody?
The external world is not where you should look for respite Matthew, it is a world in which the greatest kingdoms have risen and have fallen, build not your fortune there. Begin to form a pact with your own self, rely on your own ability alone, you will have to save your own self. None will come for you. Being your own saviour, you radiate the enormity of the strength to keep on living to every being in distress. This may be your greatest trial, to keep on living, not to suffer, but to learn what else life can offer you!
Fate bring forward your personal darkness Matthew, fate will always show you who you are: a non-dual being. You've seen uncaringness and condors feasting on your corpse, this opposite is of death and blackness you are called to now explore the opposite, caringness and eagles bring food to you, the other opposite of life and light. The middle path is walked by anyone, regardless of creed, you have to neutralize every poison with its opposite. This is how demons are exorcised. Where you see injustice, see that you've allowed yourself to be played and waited too long to catch on to the wickedness, next time it will not be so. Your newfound wisdom on the evil of man will serve to shelter you from harm and instead, will bring such resonance to your words that the listeners will be enamoured, for you wouldn't be talking to their head but to their heart.
I too have also lost my ability to meditate, I'm not sure what caused it, maybe my excessive masturbation addiction? maybe my nervous system overloaded? I don't know.
The Course in Miracles didn't need me sitting down idle for hours. In fact, I am a very active and popular person in my immediate circles, with tight timeschedules. I simply don't have time to meditate some days... being a med student is sometimes like that...Yet, I am advancing continuously in awareness thanks to ACIM. It's a viable path that has helped me come back from complete unemotionalness and kept me onwards to peace and love.
I know you will not believe me for it indeed nebulous at first to accept as an idea, especially when cruelty is so embedded in your being, but... You needn't suffer anymore.
You can become happy my friend. But you should take responsibility of only who you are and forgive everyone whom you believe has wronged you. If your mouth is full with coal, you will wait no more to commence, however, you will indeed need to question everything. Every single belief you hold dear. It will be brought forward, one by one, your fate will become a mere toy.
If you want I can share a link to a preliminary book: The Dissapearance of the Universe.
Getting to read these will do wonders in making you feel like you're doing a positive movement forward should you ever feel stagnant.
Also, the videos put up by J.D can help. I do suggest you watch them, they are perhaps the most accurate sources of information i've come across BUT BUT BUT as with everything, use discernment.
Don't take my words for anything, use your own mind to come to a conclusion.
Forgiveness is not something that comes east for me. When it's relative to the evils of this world. I'm the type that would rather judge the world's evils with a decisive guillotine. After all, if they perpetrate evils that cause strife and suffering, is it not an apparatus of beauty and grace to rid the earth of their corruption? Moral relativism doesn't get enough credit in this world. I think it's the sociopath wanting us to accept their evils and forgive them. I think it's the narcissist who wants us to internalize the strife and blame ourselves. I think it's the righteous who put an end to the evils by any means necessary...
Ideally we would make laws that protect individuals and establish a system of governance that is a microcosm of profound macrocosmic principles such as Oneness. The laws and system would prevent individuals from enacting cruelty. It would protect those who cannot protect their self - whether it's their own folly or external manipulation or domination that cause this inability becomes irrelevant as the system strives to illuminate and teach the wisdom needed for progress. Yet the system we have established has been hijacked by the powerful and corrupt players. Laws are contrived to benefit the few at the expense of the many. We see a revolving door system between government and the corporate lobby that only seeks to serve its own interests.
So I think at some point progress becomes an illusion. Nothing truly changes. Cycles merely repeat and new actors take new roles as protagonist or antagonist. We tend to look at savior figures like Jesus as the ultimate protagonist "turn the other cheek" they say. Forgive and let go they say. Grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw at another only burns yourself, they say. An eye for an eye and we all go blind, they say. But is any of this (absolutely) true?
A tv show I thoroughly enjoyed was Arrow. I couldn't help but recognize the error and devastating consequences when he decided to stop killing. They tried to spin the show near the end to show the evil who had their life spared eventually became protagonists in one way or another. But how often does this actually happen in reality? Was the recurring death, devastation, and destruction they caused worth it in the end?
In a world where financial domination enables the corrupt to thrive at the expense of everybody else, and this is perpetuated by nepotism as money buys power and that very power brings more money...when does murder become relevant as a means to turn the table? When laws are contrived to protect the few, while the many suffer, when can we fight back without being labeled as "wrong" or "criminals".
I have no problem stealing bread from mouths of opulence... But at what point is stealing bread not enough?
On a side note Matthew, I couldn't help but become interested in your line of thinking.
You state your beliefs but prefix them all with "I think". We are constantly teaching ourselves. You do not believe these as strongly as you would like. "I think" is what you are teaching yourself - still just a thought that carries great weight for you.
Try the easy version of forgiveness first. Forgive for you, not them. You can upgrade later if you want. Everytime you think of these injustices they hurt you. Every time each memory comes back you feel the sting. Why do you want that? Forgiving and letting go breaks the link of every one of those memories. You have to do it sincerely. You do not have to do it unselfishly. Put it all out of your life - out of your mind. Just do it for your well being.
Oh, and rich people get away with murder. You and I don't. You might want to factor that in. I said we are not here to fix the world. It is unfixable. This is by design and you did not design it - God did not either. Do you want to know how easy it is to rule the world? Buy some key textbook publishers, build a media empire that tells people want they want to hear (both sides, so two feeds should suffice), train everyone from the time they go enter kindergarten to be compliant, and keep the lies on in every waiting room of every office. There is not much more to it than that and understanding some simple psychology. Welcome to your brainwashing nightmare.
Now, the unlearning. No one wants to forgive. No one has ever wanted to forgive. Thats why I am giving you the easy way first. Forgiving others is the easiest actually. Forgiving the universe for letting it all happen, that one feels weird but it's more of an acceptance which is the next step. Then once you start to see yourself in a not so righteous light because you are judging others without knowing a single thing about them (your billionaire nemesis was probably bullied by everyone and sees this as his only protection and he learned to stop listening to all the complaints because they're only after his money), you will realize that you do not have it figured out. Forgiving yourself is the most difficult. Of course you can ignore everything I've said, and continure your life of suffering and fighting battles that can never be won. That is your choice.
Let my words fade if you like, and go back to the comfort of your understanding. The fact is you now have an idea in your head. I choose what I give very carefully. If you think me evil, I don't care. If you think me good, I don't care. Both are perversions of the truth. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other have both been feeding you lies. It will take time to understand the truth but it is how things really are. This world is all lies.
Love is truth. Like Paisios said there is no saviour. There is no devil either. There is only One. How will you choose? It will always be up to you. Your decision will be respected and honored because it is your decision.
-
1
-
2
-
3
of 3 Next